Fear and Love

I can feel the reluctance surging through me even as I type this sentence but in that same sentence I can also feel it fade away as I realize that this is just another journey that I lack the foresight to see its outcome. Just as many other things in this world, these ideas that flow out of me are seemingly chaotic but have a structure of some kind. I can also tell that the effort being made to make this sound like something that might be comprehensible is one of the reasons why it doesn't flow so well or has been postponed being done. In some instances I try too hard and on the other hand I try to little. The world seems to be laughing in my face as my life seems to hang on the edge of a knife. Ready to be split in two as my efforts to do what I believe is best for me becomes a struggle that I have not yet encountered. There is an easy road to take that I dare not go down. It seems to be the exact opposite of my life right now. I could give up on everything that my soul tells me is true and beautiful for a life that is that of complacency and order. I could have my place in that hierarchical system that would provide a state of stability in many different aspects of my life. Being taught since I was young that there are rules that God has given you and, if they aren't obeyed, you will suffer in the darkest place that you can think of. Best of all is that the person who is judging which place I will go is the one with the purest love imaginable. There are so many contradictions and deception around these ideals that it clouds your mind and disconnects you with how you feel. Complacent in these lies would I be and ignorant of the obscenities of the powers that govern the world also. I could be one of the cards in this house of lies that has been built to shield us from truth. I think that truth is that we are all aspects of God and we do not have to earn his love through obedience. We are the love of God and through love we can heal any wound that the world or its people may have. It is fear that shrouds the love of the world. Love is the ying to fears yang. Where there is not love, our fear presses in to fill the void. Through meditation, it seems, the contrast between the two is tuned to high frequency. To remove the filter I have become the void between the light and dark. I have basked in both light and dark to be born anew each time. Following it with meditation to synchronize my mind with the Ohm. I often find myself fearing the dark as if it were something that would do me harm. I have to remind myself not to fear as I quote Dune, "I shall not fear for fear is the mind killer." Once I have calmed myself and relinquished my fear, I find it easier to love and what I have found is love. Many experiences that society would consider as dark have turned out to be places where I have found love. Putting away my preconceptions, being mindful and listening intently to those that practice beliefs that my upbringing would consider "evil" or "of the dark" has shown that their intentions are set within love.
As I observe the opinions of those that claim to walk in the light, I see a lot of fear and hate. I see those that bear the cross of Christ around their neck as hate and judgment pour out of their mouth as it becomes more obvious that fear has its grip upon them. How can you fear a people that proclaim love? How does one defend and support powerful persons who think they can sum up an entire group of people in one sentence? Who not only think they can but attempt it rigorously. I think I know because I have walked similar paths. The lonely path of thought that leads you to believe that you are absolutely different from those you cannot see or understand. In the grand scheme of things we are all on this space ship together. As ONE. It is love that brings us this feeling of oneness. It is fear that separates us. Pride is the road to either love or fear. Humility our compass. Love or fear of ones self. Love or fear of others. Love or fear of time. I choose to love to love and to fear nothing but fear itself.

Projections

Connecting with my memory puts everyone's actions at bay for a minute.
As I look at my projection of you I smile inside and out
Every detail filling my thoughts
As you smile my attention moves to your eyes.
Ready to share the light within them.
A peace of mind fills the room as I look away.
Not out of shame or fear
But to better sense your presence
Time slows down or the people I'm with can't act. As if they feel it too.
I don't know which is true. But I know what I feel and how it effects my reality.

Shadows on the wall

Unshared warmth making me feel
Inadequate
Untold tales making me feel crazy
Ears of stone,
Although patient, remains silent.
patience seeming too heavy with
words drawn out in low frequency. Amplitude unknown.
Reverberating in this Cathedral we call life. Muddled by high pitched egos. Like a bird singing it's mating song. Unheard by most. Unwanted by some. Too faint to be obvious. Riding the valley of the waveform to an undefined pique.
In dire hopes that mother Earth knows best.
So sing on sing on.
Until the sun sets.
Then dance with the nights moon. Drawing the patterns of free spirit with mind, body and soul. 
Sleep then comes to wash away the ache of the singing and dancing for a moment.
And as the new day commences I realize a truth.
While I sit in solitude.
I'm finding myself amongst a multitude of reflections.
That the song I sing is no different from theirs.
The dances of patterns is part of a bigger picture.
The solitude I feel is an illusion.
The love I feel is restrained by thought.
It is patient and it never dies.
It is the high frequencies that do not hurt. Vibrations the ego can emulate but cannot sustain.

Being one with ourselves and with each other. Repairing the schism preceding it. Defeating the illusive thoughts that separate us. Until we sing in harmony. A Symphony of vibrations as one. Filling the cathedral with majestic song. Turning stone to water. To fill the space of ignorance and fear. Until the walls burst. As the dust clears the light will shine upon us.
And as we turn our minds eye to face what was, we will see there was nothing but ourselves. And the space that our love has fulfilled.

Self contained chaos

Insipid is our nation.
Listen and witness.
Derivative is our expression.
Sincere is our plight
Bleeding out are the three monkeys
too fucked up to realize
Bathing in temperate pharmaceutical liquid
Controlling tools of our system.
Making life more tolerable.

We have lost that which drives us
Replaced by the arbitrary
Perpetuated by sex, fame and money's incentive.
Oh this game we play
Throughout our day
To appease the unseen eye
Our minds tremble
As we try to assemble
Thoughts everlasting
Feeding our self enslaving apparitions
Inflicting upon our intuitions
Slowing our adaptations

We feed the beast within us.
Tending towards structure until our minds rupture.
Breaking through the walls we build.

Am I free?

I'm blinded by fear
Disguised as love
I refuse to listen
To words conflicting
Afraid to speak
of the ties that bind me
Before I realize
My life's behind me

My facade inadiquate
My habits revealing
I follow the path that is most appealing
This downward spiral driven by misery
Only to be dulled by blissful ignorance

Ride the chaos into pain
My stronger attributes will remain
Transcend ego and find true love.
No longer defined by a god above.
This sinusoidal wave of misery and happiness
Follows me to the grave.
The love I've chosen echoes in the seas of chaos
My body might be gone but my affect is not at loss.

Repulsive forces

The space around me is distorted
Like static on a tv channel.
Reality is warped and inverted.
Like an electro magnetic field surrounding me.
At any time it will collapse in upon me.
Like a force field it keeps out the fear.
Fear that i'll fall into the oblivion.
Not able to find myself
I feel like you are surrounded by a mist of confusion
Sticking to me like fungi
Im not sure why or what about
But i feel like I'm afloat in a sea of chaos
Unsure of where the tide will take me
Head barely above the surface on the brink of submerging.
Do i drift or do i fight the tide?
Do run away or to i enjoy the ride?
A whole new world at my fingertips and all i need is a gentle push.
At that point i will be consumed with what my other self wants.
A whole new world of complication
It's the point of no return.
A return to what? i do not know.
I'm lost no matter where i go.

Numb

There is no feeling left in me to that which is good and just. My life, it seems, matters only to me. My heart about to bust.
Clouds consume the light once there, bathing in dark filled rain.
Filling the void, these drugs i take to dilute the pain.
Light on the horizon, it seems, just out of reach.
Aura of a heart filled shape, to them i'd like to teach.
Facades of love and salvation sounding most appealing.
But hate and war come out your mouth as you preach it's more revealing.
Dictating the mass to fullfill your goals
You lead the sheep to slaughter.
They blindly follow you to the end
Into ignorance, heads in it's jaws.
Manipulation at it's best
You use them to create these laws.
The illusion of freedom they seek with you
Their agency, unknowing, is on pause.
They do anything you tell them to.
They'd fight for any cause.